Monster Minor was drawing a picture of Abraham Lincoln for school and couldn’t get the head right. He started whining for Daddy to help him. Daddy was overwhelmed and out of frustration said, “Then don’t draw the head!”
So Monster Minor drew a decapitated Abraham Lincoln with blood pouring out of his neck. WTF!?!
Daddy: You have to make a poster of a historical event. What do you want to make it about?
Monster: I want to make it about the president.
Monster:No. Daddy, which one got shot in the head?
Daddy: Abraham Lincoln?
Monster: Yeah. That one.
Daddy: So you want to make a poster for your kindergarten class on the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.
He later reveled in the fact that assassination has “ass” in it twice.
The Monsters attended a Fireman’s Carnival while vacationing in New York. Papa recounts the story to friends.
Papa: The last float was a memorial to fallen veterans. It was a hearse with a coffin covered by an American flag. Monster Minor, upon seeing the float, exclaimed, “Hey, look! There’s a big box full of America!”
Monster Minor: You weren’t there! How do you know?
Papa: Because I see everything.
Monster Minor: Well, if your eyes can see everything, your ears are far behind.
It took me a while to contemplate what this statement meant. It was too deliberate to be the happenstance comment of a five-year-old. After a good long while, I discover that he’s referring to the fact that it was an auditory memory. If Papa “sees” everything, then his recounting of what Monster Minor actually said was several months delayed! Ha!
Monster: “Daddy, [older brother] pinched me.”
Daddy: “Oh, yeah? Do you think he needs to be punished?”
Daddy: “How do you think he should be punished?”
Monster: (thoughtfully) “Hmm… I think that he should be tied to the table, cut up into little pieces and eaten.”
— 5-year-old Monster trying a foot fetish on for size