Monster Mumbles

Monster Minor was drawing a picture of Abraham Lincoln for school and couldn’t get the head right. He started whining for Daddy to help him. Daddy was overwhelmed and out of frustration said, “Then don’t draw the head!”

So Monster Minor drew a decapitated Abraham Lincoln with blood pouring out of his neck. WTF!?!

Daddy: You have to make a poster of a historical event. What do you want to make it about?

Monster: I want to make it about the president.

Daddy: Obama?

Monster:No. Daddy, which one got shot in the head?

Daddy: Abraham Lincoln?

Monster: Yeah. That one.

Daddy: So you want to make a poster for your kindergarten class on the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

Monster: Yes.

He later reveled in the fact that assassination has “ass” in it twice.

The Monsters attended a Fireman’s Carnival while vacationing in New York. Papa recounts the story to friends.

Papa: The last float was a memorial to fallen veterans. It was a hearse with a coffin covered by an American flag. Monster Minor, upon seeing the float, exclaimed, “Hey, look! There’s a big box full of America!”

Monster Minor: You weren’t there! How do you know?

Papa: Because I see everything.

Monster Minor: Well, if your eyes can see everything, your ears are far behind.

It took me a while to contemplate what this statement meant. It was too deliberate to be the happenstance comment of a five-year-old. After a good long while, I discover that he’s referring to the fact that it was an auditory memory. If Papa “sees” everything, then his recounting of what Monster Minor actually said was several months delayed! Ha!

Monster: “Daddy, [older brother] pinched me.”
Daddy: “Oh, yeah? Do you think he needs to be punished?”
Monster: “Yes.”
Daddy: “How do you think he should be punished?”
Monster: (thoughtfully) “Hmm… I think that he should be tied to the table, cut up into little pieces and eaten.”

Things that the Monsters threatened to do to a friend of ours:

• stuff her mouth with worms
• inject her with some sort of truth serum to prove if she was a superhero
• make her drink out of a toilet
• skin her

In an overheard discussion between the 5-year-old Monster and his principal…

Principal: When are we going to get married?
Monster: Whoa! Hold on. I am way too young to get married.
Principal: What?! How long am I going to have to wait?!
Monster: Um… (thoughtfully) until I’m at least 16. No… 23. Yeah. 23.

Mommy: “Did you watch the football game last night?”
Monster: “Football? No, we watched the Super Bowl.”

In a discussion about my peeling sunburn and consequent education about how some animals molt out of their skin…

Monster: “You should be one of those faces on the periodic table [e.g., Marie Curie, etc.] with a little fan [i.e., the radioactive symbol] over your head.”
Mommy: “Oh, you mean the symbol for something that is radioactive?”
Monster: “Yeah. The fan. It’s like a radioactive simple machine.”

Daddy: “Boys, do you know what Mommy and Daddy saw in Colorado?”
Monster: “What?”
Daddy: “Buffalo and big-horned sheep.”
Monster: “I’m not surprised. I would have been surprised if you’d seen a Chuck E. Cheese. ‘Cause Chuck E. Cheese is where the kids go.”

Note: Monster has never been to a Chuck E. Cheese.

Daddy: “Was Mommy angry with you?”
Monster: “She was using her beautiful voice. Mommy doesn’t use her beautiful voice when she’s angry with me.”

Monster: “Mommy, I drew this picture for you!”
Mommy: “Oh, thank you! What is it a picture of?”
Monster: “It’s two buses…” *points to a large scribbled mass at the top of the page* “This one blew up.”
Mommy: “Oh no! That’s not good!”
Monster: *pointing to smaller scribbles near the large scribbled mass* “These are all the people. They’re dead.”
Mommy: “Uh… honey, you know Mommy doesn’t like dead people…”
Monster: “But, Mom, I did everything I could to keep them alive!”