Monster Mumbles

The Monsters attended a Fireman’s Carnival while vacationing in New York. Papa recounts the story to friends.

Papa: The last float was a memorial to fallen veterans. It was a hearse with a coffin covered by an American flag. Monster Minor, upon seeing the float, exclaimed, “Hey, look! There’s a big box full of America!”

Monster Minor: You weren’t there! How do you know?

Papa: Because I see everything.

Monster Minor: Well, if your eyes can see everything, your ears are far behind.

It took me a while to contemplate what this statement meant. It was too deliberate to be the happenstance comment of a five-year-old. After a good long while, I discover that he’s referring to the fact that it was an auditory memory. If Papa “sees” everything, then his recounting of what Monster Minor actually said was several months delayed! Ha!

Monster: “Daddy, [older brother] pinched me.”
Daddy: “Oh, yeah? Do you think he needs to be punished?”
Monster: “Yes.”
Daddy: “How do you think he should be punished?”
Monster: (thoughtfully) “Hmm… I think that he should be tied to the table, cut up into little pieces and eaten.”

Things that the Monsters threatened to do to a friend of ours:

• stuff her mouth with worms
• inject her with some sort of truth serum to prove if she was a superhero
• make her drink out of a toilet
• skin her

In an overheard discussion between the 5-year-old Monster and his principal…

Principal: When are we going to get married?
Monster: Whoa! Hold on. I am way too young to get married.
Principal: What?! How long am I going to have to wait?!
Monster: Um… (thoughtfully) until I’m at least 16. No… 23. Yeah. 23.